


only happy when it rains

by thimble



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thimble/pseuds/thimble
Summary: Their little puppy love was inconsequential, in the grand scheme of things.





	only happy when it rains

BOOK ONE: WATER

  
  
Nobody is born bored.  
  
At the very least, this is what Tom-Tom's birth has taught her. He shifts some of her parents' stifling attention from her and is entertaining to watch, sometimes, though she hates that he gets into her things and comes close to injuring himself and  _she's_  blamed for it. He's useless and loud and annoying, but he can be cute. Sometimes.  
  
He communes with turtle-ducks (like someone she once knew) and thinks nothing of rolling in the mud, ruining his good clothes. He tries to lick the ink off paper and openly laughs at the appearances of platypus-bears; everything is interesting, everything is new, and he never finds himself at a loss for anything to do.   
  
(Unlike her.)  
  
She's seen her own baby pictures, so she's vaguely aware that one point she had been exactly the same, but it's draining to dwell on those days. It had been so long ago.

 

* * *

  
  
She was locked in her room again, and she was starting to realize that her parents would resort to this as often as necessary to keep her from disrupting their dinner parties. She was old enough to be humiliated by it.   
  
After pacing one hundred times (she counted), practicing her brushwork, and primping her assortment of creepy-eyed dolls, she grew increasingly restless and agitated. She wasn't a pet they could throw in a cage anytime they wanted, or a toy they only brought out to show off, she was their  _daughter_ ; why can't they treat her like so?  
  
The tray of food that she'd been brought hours ago was untouched, but the knife that came with it was embedded in the family portrait on her wall before she could even remember picking it up, much less throwing it. Her father's forehead wore it well.   
  
She glanced at her hand, the corner of her lip twitching. That felt kind of good, and best of all, she had  _great_  aim.

 

* * *

  
  
Her parents were pleased with her sudden silence, and they reward her good behavior with everything she asked of them. She had dresses, and ribbons, and dolls to replace the ones she'd destroyed by turning them into targets, a fruit tart for every word she didn't say. It was fine. She had her knives.  
  
Though she was lucky that the one to find her with them had been her uncle, who narrowly missed his eye taken out by a dart when he opened her door without knocking right as she was practicing. For a moment she'd been afraid that he'd reprimand or punish her, but he only laughed and told her to be careful next time.   
  
Even better when he surprised her with a trip to the blacksmith later that week and gifted her with a customized set of blades. Her first.  
  
He was her favorite relative for a reason.

 

* * *

  
  
Mother and Father weren't pleased with her new hobby, though they permitted it as long as she stayed out of sight. Maybe if they would've been more receptive if they knew that it was the main reason the crown princess befriended her, but she was past caring at that point.   
  
Princess Azula sat at the top of the social hierarchy of the Royal Fire Academy For Girls, and rightfully so, though Mai suspected that that would be the case even without her ties to the throne. Azula was blindingly talented, smarter than most of their teachers, and people fell in line to to her bidding within five minutes of meeting her. Her family was the most powerful in the nation and she knew it; she wielded that power just as easily as she did her blue flames.   
  
(She was also too eager to make people afraid of her and it would alarm Mai under different circumstances, but in this she was just glad that Azula liked her for who she was, knives and all.)  
  
Ty Lee was nearly her complete opposite.  _Nearly_ , because they had one thing in common: others flocked to them as naturally as birds mapped the sky or worms crawled on the ground. But where Azula would raise her voice or a condescending eyebrow, Ty Lee would smile and flick her hair over her shoulder, or do a handstand to cheer someone up.   
  
(She was also learning to fight in the art of something called chi blocking, and suddenly Azula's interest in her made perfect sense.)  
  
Of course there were other students in the Academy, other girls that Mai spoke with could've made her friends. But none of them mattered in the long run because Azula saw no value in them, and Mai learned quickly that Azula's word might as well be law.

 

* * *

  
  
She never meant for Zuko to matter as much as he did, though she was certain that Zuko took no such precautions with his own heart. It had always been too big for his own good, and no amount of denial could hide that he broke hers too when he spoke out of turn.   
  
She didn't think about him anymore, because the parameters of his banishment ensured that she'd never see him again. He was sent on a fool's errand, a wild porcupine-goose chase, and she'd be paired off with someone suitable and befitting her family's standing in high society when she came of age.   
  
Their little puppy love was inconsequential, in the grand scheme of things.  
  
  


BOOK TWO: EARTH

  
  
Not much else happened after she graduated from the Academy, though not much else could be considered  _interesting_  after the scandal with the crown prince, the disappearance of his mother, the death of the Fire Lord, and the coronation of his heir. There were other events taking place in some other parts of the world, a great war being fought, but none of it had anything to do with Mai so she found no incentive for caring.  
  
She busied herself with throwing practice, mimicking the fighting stances she saw from benders in the courtyard; with researching weaponry and the concealment of them even when the wearer had nothing on but a thin robe. She sent instructions to the blacksmith for knives the length of her thigh, darts that fit like puzzle pieces between her fingers, and stars with edges that could cut air. She didn't know what she was training for, but it was better than monotony.  
  
Life picked up a fraction when her father was appointed the governor of Omashu (or New Ozai, she supposed, to be politically correct), though she felt no joy about their social climbing finally paying off. All it meant for her was a bit of travel time, a bit of sightseeing, a bit of picking out fashionable clothes to wear (what was in style in a newly conquered city?)   
  
But the novelty wore off sooner rather than later, as it often did. 

 

* * *

  
  
She's almost glad for the so-called assassination attempt. Whoever tried to crush them under that boulder ought to be given a medal, because  _now_  she has an excuse to run, for the wind to billow out her clothes as she unleashed the wrath of her sharpest pets.

_Hello, Mother and Father. This is your eldest speaking, your fragile girl.  
  
Watch what I've taught myself to do._

 

* * *

 

**"Please tell me you're here to kill me."**

  
  
The most exciting thing that's happened to her in months and Azula is directly tied to it, just like old times. She even has Ty Lee in tow and neither of them has changed much; that's fine, because Mai hasn't either. And tho she has an inkling of why Ty Lee is with them instead of the circus, it's polite to ask the source directly.  


**_"Azula called a little louder."_ **

  
  
She figured as much, and she suspects she knows why Azula is here too without having to be told.   
  
(There have been rumors about the Avatar's return, that he's considered a threat to the nation, and even more recent rumors that the banished prince has become a runaway to add insult to his already besmirched honor, and that both of them need to be brought to justice.   
  
Azula has always been fond of the chase.)  
  
When Tom-Tom is held for ransom Mai had no discernible anxious streak; in her short-lived battle with the Avatar and his cohorts they've only ever fought to wound, not kill. None of them would ever harm a child.  
  
Probably.  
  
Their quarry gets away, but at least it gives them time to talk, and Mai would've said yes to anything Azula asked of her as long as it got her out of this horrible place.   


**_"It'll be interesting to see Zuko again, won't it Mai?"_ **

  
  
Even if she had to gag Ty Lee to make it bearable.

 

* * *

  
  
There is plenty to observe about the Avatar's crew even in their brief skirmishes, because it seems that  _none_  of them had ever been taught how to hide: not to remain undetected even in populous villages, and certainly not the emotions on their faces.   
  
The Avatar himself is a master of several elements (air and water, so far, with traces of earth), but he has an abundance of mercy where Azula has none, and it's clear which of them would rise victorious if the battle ran long enough. The waterbender relied far too much on her bending and had no other skill in combat to speak of (pathetic), while the earthbender - she hadn't been in Omashu, was the Avatar just taking in strays? - could be subdued in a wooden or metal box.   


( _Take away your bending, and what do you have?_ )

  
  
The only one she might be able to respect is the other Water Tribe peasant who isn't too bad with hand to hand combat, but he's still no match for hers and Ty Lee's combined skill sets, and the only reason they keep escaping is because of the sky bison. That's fine.   
  
The world is a smaller place than they imagine, and not even the Avatar can run forever.

 

* * *

 

**"She can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, but I'm not going in that wall sludge juice."**

  
  
She shudders at the thought of jumping into that slime and utterly means her words, but there's confusion in Ty Lee's eyes right before she takes off that indicates that it had never occured to her to disobey any of Azula's commands. Even the ridiculous ones. And sure, she's their direct superior, but the two of them had been invited on this mission.   
  
Had they?   
  
It's no secret that Azula orders Ty Lee around more than necessary and Ty Lee is too eager to comply. There's affection there but something sinister too. Ah, well. It's none of Mai's business. At least they got to take down a couple of earthbenders before the Avatar destroyed the drill. 

**"We lost,"**

  
  
she says dryly, smirking just the tiniest bit at the sight of them all shivering and covered in gunk. It's a temporary defeat anyhow; Azula always finds a way.

 

* * *

  
  
It's not the worst thing to have to dress up as a Kiyoshi Warrior everyday, but it's definitely not the best either. Their clothes are loose or tight in all the wrong places for storing weapons and the elaborate makeup and hairdo is a _pain._  She can apply facepaint well enough on her own but she leaves it up to Ty Lee, who actually seems to enjoy the colors and delicacy of it all.   
  
Ugh. No wonder those girls lost.  
  
At least it's paying off, even if she has to clean up a pile of bear poop for every step towards the fulfillment of Azula's goal. Finding out the Earth King was nothing but a puppet was disappointing, though ultimately unsurprising, but the sheer ease with which they're pulling the strings within the Dai Li is just plain  _sad._  She's almost sorry for Long Feng, the old fool.   
  
Almost.  
  
They're busted by the Avatar and his friends and it's barely a wrench in Azula's plans. Ba Sing Se still falls to the Fire Nation and it doesn't matter one bit that a few key players managed to wriggle out from under their noses. Everything she felt about their pitiful attempts at changing the inevitable can be summed up with one line:  


**"Just take the bear."**

  
  
  


BOOK THREE: FIRE

  
  
Azula has no use for board games, but Mai thinks she views the world rather like a game of Pai Sho, and while Mai herself isn't the White Lotus, she isn't a plain tile either. She's somewhere in between, and Azula puts her forward as her second favorite option.  
  
That is, in gaining Zuko's trust and compliance to come home.   
  
(If anyone asked her how she  _felt_  about her childhood crush being used as a strategic move, Mai would shrug. She's flattered at best, apathetic if pressed.  
  
Even if 'childhood crush' didn't capture the sentiment as well as 'the only boy she'd ever loved.')  
  
His appearance has changed, even apart from the glaring scar, and there's a shift in his attitude that she can't pinpoint yet, but he has remained the same enough for Mai to see past the changes, to relearn how to smile from the simple joy of his company. When another girl recognizes him from his travels there's a flare of jealousy, fierce and ugly and unfamiliar, as she wonders how they know each other, what this girl has seen of Zuko that she hasn't, but it fades fast.   


**"We're even,"**

  
  
two little words enveloped in poorly disguised laughter, and just like that he is the boy in the fountain again. She'll never let him forget the flaming apple, just as he ensures that she'll never forget about this kiss.  
  
(He boards the ship the next day, and her lips still tingle at the sight of him.)

 

* * *

 

**"I just asked if you were cold. I didn't ask for your whole life story."**

  
  
But there's no bite in her tone, and she doesn't mind that he's rambling to her, opening up like he won't - and probably never will - with Azula. Besides, it warms her to finally someone who doesn't mistake her dry sarcasm for barbs.   
  
He thinks she's funny, not that she's trying to be, but she likes that he thinks that too.

 

* * *

  
  
The picnic isn't her idea - what's the point of sitting in the dirt when they had private chambers? - but she doesn't find them as distasteful when it's Zuko who suggests it. He seems to be in better spirits, compared to when they first arrived, but he'd been nervous about his father's reaction then. Now, with his honor restored, she seems to have gotten him back completely.  
  
(She knows that isn't the full picture, that she is just a puzzle piece among many others that proves his life is coming together, but her world's been so bland for so long that she welcomes any change of pace.)  
  
It's all much more complicated than their romantic dates might imply, though it doesn't feel that way when his lips are on hers, lips perpetually chapped yet soft in motion.   
  
They finish their food in between bouts of kissing and chatter, and opt to stay to watch the sunset like other couples do. By itself, the glow of the sky is horrendous, but it doesn't seem so bad with her head resting on his shoulder.  


**"I don't hate you."**  
**_"I don't hate you too."_**

  
  
Such an exchange would make her gag, if it were anyone else, but she doesn't mind what he turns her into. Doesn't mind that he calls her beautiful because he means it.  


_You're my one rebellion, the one thing I chose._

  
  
Not even Azula's interruption could've soured the memory of that afternoon.

 

* * *

  
  
Ty Lee is the only one happy about their excursion to Ember Island. Azula and Zuko are unhappy about being shipped off while elaborate plans were being crafted in the throne room, and Mai plainly hated the beach. The sand got everywhere, her pale skin always got sunburnt by the end, and she can't hide as many knives as she liked in a swimsuit. She's ready for the weekend to be an awful experience.   
  
It's not terrible in the beginning, sitting under her umbrella while Ty Lee flirts with an assortment of boys and Azula terrorizes whoever dared to cross her path. Zuko... Zuko is--  
  
Truth be told, they've been stuck in something of a rut. Maybe the honeymoon phase has worn off, maybe they're not meant to be after all, but he's treating her like he doesn't even know her, going through the motions of what a relationship should be like while other concerns weighed heavy on his mind. She's losing patience. She's getting  _bored._  
  
Interest sparks when Azula ropes them into a petty match that they win with ease, but it feels good to stretch, to have some semblance of fighting. Being invited to a party afterwards is a perk, though she doesn't understand Azula's need to go incognito.   
  
(It's hard to understand Azula even on her best days.)  
  
But today Zuko is a worse enigma than his sister, more hotheaded than even his usual and picking fights where there are none. Mai doesn't know what's going on with him, and she doesn't care to as long as he's being this way.  
  
She doesn't remember what she said that made him act up and get thrown out; only that they were no longer together. Maybe she means it.  
  
Chances are bigger that she doesn't, because she accompanies Azula and Ty Lee to the beachfront when they set out to look for him. None of them intended for the search party to turn into honesty hour, but it still hurts when the focus sets on her.  


**_"Your aura is this dingy, pasty gray..."_**  
**_"You don't believe in anything."_**  
**_"That's why you're afraid to care about anything, and why you can't express yourself."_**

  
  
She isn't like the rest of them, hiding hurt and trauma behind a cheerful or haughty or brooding veneer. She's had an easy life, but she isn't a blank slate.  
  
Isn't she?  


**"You want me to express myself? Leave me alone!"**

  
  
If anything, it felt good to scream.   
  
(And to set fire their host's house, though that's for later in the evening.)

 

* * *

  
  
Normalcy resumes after Ember Island, and Mai might even say there's an improvement in their group dynamic after having their troubles brought out in the open. She reluctantly admits that Ty Lee may be right all along about the benefits of expressing their feelings, because the moment she did so Zuko began to return it in kind. They used to ask about the other's day everytime he came over to her house or on her visits to the palace, but he hadn't been telling her everything. It's not like her way of delivering well-behaved, practiced lines to her parents or their friends, ignoring emotion without batting a lash; meanwhie, Zuko always paused and averted his gaze when he arrived at a hole in his story, and all Mai could do was wait until he came up with a sufficient lie.   
  
(He's afraid the Avatar might still be alive, guilty about his uncle rotting in a cell, and anxious that he didn't choose the right path at his last crossroads. As usual, she doesn't factor into it at all.)  
  
But he's happier now, and happiest when he makes  _her_  happy with the appearance of a fruit tart with a flick of his wrist. That's how he seems, so that's what she'd rather believe.  
  
She choose not to see the sudden resolution in his eyes after the war meeting he'd been so desperate to attend. If she didn't see it then it isn't real.

 

* * *

 

**_'Dear Mai, I'm sorry that you have to find out this way, but I'm leaving.'_ **

 

* * *

  
  
  
Mai is fine.  
  
There's worry written on everyone's faces when they look at her, but most of them have the good sense to leave her alone. Ty Lee takes her for some pampering, and Azula is delicate enough not to bring it up in her presence. She doesn't know why they bother to care because she's stopped, busying herself with practice, with getting back the sleep she had lost on those late nights, with the consumption of anything but fruit tarts with rose petals on top. It's fine, she's fine; she has her knives.   
  
(He'd left her before, and maybe there had always been a small part of her that knew it would happen again.)  
  
She doesn't repeat those fifteen words in her head when she lies awake in bed, of what they meant and why he left and how long he'd seemed unhappy even when he finally had everything he wanted. Maybe he didn't think she noticed that his banishment was another permanent scar, this time on his soul, that his travels had changed him and his loyalties for good. She trusts his judgement, she always has, but it doesn't mean she agrees, because accepting that their nation must lose the war is also to accept that she's been fighting on the wrong side this whole time.   
  
Maybe he found something he could believe in; it's selfish to have hoped to keep him with her forever after being without him for so long, but this is bigger than both of them and whatever they have. Or had.  
  
She's fine, though.   
  
Everyone needs to stop looking at her, that's all.

 

* * *

  
  
It's her favorite uncle that breaks the news about Zuko's current whereabouts, citing that he had tried to escape from the Boiling Rock, though none of them are certain of why he was there in the first place. He's now the top prisoner, and her uncle invites the crown princess to collect him personally.  
  
(Uncle promises to arrange a private meeting with Mai before he's handed over, for which she is grateful and afraid.)

 _I deserve better than being left behind without so much as a proper goodbye._  
  
  
**_"I didn't do anything!"_**  
**"Come on, Zuko, we all know that's a lie."**

  
  
It's not fair that her breath catches in her throat at the mention of her name, the realization that all her anger had been superficial because she loved - _loves_  - him so desperately.   
  
But she's still going to give him a hard time.  


**_"This isn't about you. This is about the Fire Nation!"_ **

  
  
It's never been a secret, but it still hurts to hear it out loud. And when the riot outside starts, it hurts anew to be left behind by him again.

 

* * *

  
  
It's a split second decision.  
  
She feels abandoned by the one person she had allowed in, but one look at his precarious situation and she couldn't abandon him, not out of some twisted vengeance. As much as the loss of him aches like nothing she's ever known, it would be worse to live in a world where he's completely gone, instead of just gone from her sight.   
  
The realization of what she's done doesn't dawn until halfway through the fighting, when she glances up and sees the gondola safely making its way to the other side. The guards will find her uncle there, because the Avatar's companions wouldn't harm him unless they had to.  


_This is the last thing I can do for you. I hope luck finds you well, you jerk._

  
  
She still doesn't understand what he's after, but she doesn't regret helping him get closer to it, consequences be damned. Azula is infuriated, doing her best to make her anger seem frightening, so it's here, at the point of no return, that Mai decides to shatter the illusion.  


**"You miscalculated. I love Zuko more than I fear you."**  
**_"You should have feared me more!"_**

  
  
Then it turns out to be a split second decision for Ty Lee, too.

 

* * *

  
  
Prison is worse than her upbringing but better than her days on the road; at least she doesn't have to sleep on the ground. None of the other inmates dare to mess with her after seeing what she can do with the knives at dinner, and she has a lot of free time. Time to think about her actions and the things she can't control.  
  
Her uncle bears no grudges (she saved his life too), though her parents are distraught, though she's certain much of their grief is over the smear over her father's political career. Ty Lee is doing well, unsurprisingly, having made friends with the rest of the Kiyoshi Warriors (funny how that turned out.)  
  
Neither of them have seen Azula since, though that's not surprising either; she'd sworn to let them rot before she ever laid her eyes on them again. The only time Mai tried to bring this up to Ty Lee, to thank her, a sudden sadness flashed across her face before she recovered her smile.   
  
It makes sense. Mai had always kept Azula at arms' length, but Ty Lee embraced her wholeheartedly, never letting her fear get in the way of loving someone who should've been her friend.   
  
They're both mourning, in a way.  
  
The comet is fast approaching, and all she has is an inkling that Zuko will be fighting for the Avatar against his father.   
  
(The love of her life, braver than the entire Fire Nation combined.)  
  
She hopes they win, for better or for worse.  
  
She's already been branded a traitor anyway.  
  


* * *

 

 ** _"So does this mean you don't hate me anymore?"_**  
**"I think it means, I actually kind of like you."**

  
  
It's a happier ending than any of them could have hoped for, and though his lips taste like coming home--  


**"But don't ever break up with me again!"**

  
  
\--it's the sight of his smile that makes the long, hard road seem so much shorter and simpler. She'd do it all over again if it meant putting him on his rightful place on the throne.  


_Don't leave me, because I have no plans of leaving you._

  
  
(Maybe there's a place in this world for all the lovesick fools.)


End file.
